Them: Can you explain this gap in your resume?
Me: that was just a pause for dramatic effect.
You Might Also Like
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
phew
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?