Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I remember when things only cost an arm.