Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
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If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
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The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.