Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

April 1st is the class clown of days.