Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Tammy is short for Tamuel

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

i’m so sick of this guy

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.