Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here