Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

At an art museum and I thought this was art

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]