Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.