Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Breaking news:
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
real
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Introverted vegans go meetless
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.