Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.