Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

No way!

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.