Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet