Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

(2022)

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems