Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
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I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus