Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
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Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
yeah 😭
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
*seductively eats two tums*
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.