Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
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It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
three things we don’t talk about
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong