Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
