Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
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Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Nice try, NASA
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”