Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder