Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
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And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
this is the best interaction on twitter
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water