Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
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[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!