Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
You Might Also Like
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
More like Kate Missington.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”