Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”