Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

I only eat vegetarians.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.