Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

They must have gotten it to go.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

imagine getting destroyed like this

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.