Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?![]()
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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