Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
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boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0