Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
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good news everyone
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Mad Max Arctic Road
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I’m good, thanks.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.