Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Does your wife know you’re single?

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

If snakes were wide

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.