Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

out-housing market appears to be strong

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.