Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻