Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.