them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
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if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Trying
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ