Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
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FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
tag yourself
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”