Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
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me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
The first matador
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I know karate and tons of other words.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.