Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
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we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Cool shirt 🙂
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
waiting for halloween be like:
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”