Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktailsā¦long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? š
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it canāt be both? š
Them: ā¦many, many laws.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I donāt even work for yet?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* Itās called Star Trek but the stars donāt actually go anywhere.
āNo use crying over spilled milkā was coined by someone who didnāt have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didnāt have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didnāt have to clean the spilled milk.
So youāre damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyoneās only got one my dude
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
What if youāre only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: Thatās a hopscotch game
If youāre not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Hey, Sean Bean, itās either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You canāt have it both ways.
In high school I was voted āIām not really sure who that guy isā.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebodyās pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
āThatās so cool,ā she lied.
Never forget.
I talk to my dog like sheās human and, like most humans, she looks at me like Iām an idiot.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My next tattoo will be āhelveticaā written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The āresearchā scene in every horror movie
i havenāt seen a āturn $50 into $5000ā post in a minute, yāall in jail now?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Obi-Wan: itās over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is donāt let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
How can my wifeās hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
