them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
You Might Also Like
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
What a chick magnet..
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
is nasa ok
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
ew if literal: let me be clear
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees