them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
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After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[shakes fist at other fist]
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.