Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

What.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

they should invent a rest for the wicked

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.