Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
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My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen