Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
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Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*