Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

Pot warmers of the day.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

i’m still crying at this

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale