Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.