them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh