them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Dance like you’re not the father
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..