Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
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The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball: