Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
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Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Beards are a privilege, not a right
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
My Guy
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.