Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
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I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Windchimes
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else