Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
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My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
the short answer to this question
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead