Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
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yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
man: wait
time: no
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
If only
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Well well well…
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off