Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

*pokes sex life with a stick

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

went fishing caught a bass

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Lmao

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.