Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
The “baby” on the left….
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?