Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
You Might Also Like
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
You deplete me
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*