Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
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You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude