Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

this is how life feels

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go