THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.