Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

watergate? u mean a dam??

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

Beware of fowl play.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.