Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble