THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.