Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

When you put it that way… 😂

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it