THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
When news reporters do sports stories
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”