Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

#inspiration #foodforthought

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.