Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
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My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
sure, why not
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Isn’t
