Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
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*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I am having an out of money experience.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My god she’s good.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*