Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?