Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

The funk soul brother

I’m already scared

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.