Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

finally found a reasonable question

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”