Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?