Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that