Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
🤣😂
