Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.