Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
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*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
God has abandoned us.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.