Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

A small tragedy.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.