Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
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I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
doing your own taxes
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful