Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
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Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
being a writer on Twitter:
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Go hard or stay average
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.