Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
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i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I put the h in mysterious.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.