Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
You Might Also Like
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
This poor dog
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
finally found a reasonable question
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.